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I’m 70 and so full of regret about my husband and career

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The dilemma I am a 70-year-old woman and am consumed by regret and disappointment. Outwardly, I am happy, calm and outgoing, with friends and interests, but this facade hides my inner feelings, which I share with no one.

I married too young and chose the wrong man. I said yes when he asked me to marry him, and I felt unable to go back on my word. Throughout our marriage I have not been in love with him. In fact, I am massively ashamed to say that, at times over the decades, I have wished him dead – yet he has never done me harm, which makes it even more shameful. In contrast, he has always been steadfast in his love for me, and this continued even though five years into our marriage I had an affair. I went back to him after three months apart, mainly because I was lonely, and we have been together ever since.

We had our golden wedding anniversary two years ago. We have three children and five precious grandchildren, who bring us an enormous amount of joy. I tell myself on a daily basis that I have much to be thankful for, and I am, but I still regret not having chosen a life partner with whom I could feel better suited and more attracted to.

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I feel similarly about my career. On the outside it looks award-winning and successful, but it never really satisfied me. How can I banish invasive thoughts of regret and disappointment, so I can enjoy my life?

Philippa’s answer When someone wishes their benign long-term partner dead, I see it as a manifestation for a desire for change. I think the reality of having your husband die would be that you’d feel lonely once more, but this invasive thought is a symbol of how despairing you feel. However, you are not impossibly stuck. You need to, and you can, find a different route through life by renegotiating your relationship to your reality. You need a different story to make sense of your feelings.

I think whoever you chose to marry, you would regret it. In other words, I have a sneaking suspicion that it isn’t that you made a wrong choice, more that your pattern is that whatever choices you make, you assume they are the wrong ones. My suspicion is compounded as you feel the same way about your work. You rightly identify your problem as invasive thoughts, so you know deep down that it isn’t your choices are wrong, but that the thoughts around them are spoiling things.

It also may help you to think about this: your description of the unwavering love and support of your husband makes me think of a beautiful view out of a window that over time you take for granted, even though its presence continues to be positive for you. If the blind permanently closes on that view from the window, I think you would miss it. Had you married the wrong man I doubt you would have chosen him for a second time when you felt lonely after the affair.

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There are no perfect choices. Studies have shown that people can be roughly divided into two camps: people who settle for something in the ballpark and say, “That’ll do,” and perfectionists. Guess who turns out happiest? It’s not the perfectionists. The right choice is the choice we commit to. It’s the commitment that makes it right, not the object itself.

To gain control of those invasive thoughts about your choice of partner and career, start by observing them. Accept you cannot stop them. As you observe the thoughts, you will separate from them, which will make them easier to let go of. It takes daily practice. You will begin to control the thoughts rather than have them controlling you. When you are practised, you will have more clarity when it comes to how you experience the feeling behind the thoughts. When in childhood did you first start to play this “regret game”? You can then come up with another story for that feeling, maybe dating back to when you first felt it. We continually generate stories to make sense of how we feel. But it does not follow that the stories are true.

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In the short term it is more satisfying and easier to blame another person for how we habitually feel, rather than to unpack our lives and examine our earliest memories and feelings, to find out what we’ve come to believe about the world from those experiences, and how they gave us our default way of feeling and being.

When we are faced with an immovable object, we are left with no choice but to change our relationship to it to survive and the thing that seems to be a block to our happiness and progress may be the key to it.

A therapist can guide you through the work you may need to do. Speak to at least three and choose the one you feel most able to open up to. One of the three will probably do. There are no perfect ones…READ FULL ARTICLE

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Sex & Relationship

Wife of Calabar Mechanic Who Takes Care of His Daughter at Workshop Returns After Story Went Viral

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The Nigerian man who cares for his daughter at his mechanic workshop has reunited with his wife. The Calabar-based James Emina had said his wife was mentally challenged and she had abandoned him and their child. The child, Blessing, is seven months old, and many people were compassionate and donated N285,000 to the man when they learned he takes care of her alone….READ FULL ARTICLE

Cornelius Ella, the Head of Department of Mass Communication, University of Cross River State UNICROS has shared a new update, indicating James’ wife has returned.

Lady who dumped her boyfriend in Nigeria and relocated to UK regrets as no man approaches her abroad

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Ella said he received a call notifying him that James’ wife had been safely brought from Akwa Ibom to Calabar.

He visited the family and confirmed that the woman had reunited with her husband and baby.

He wrote on Facebook:

“Although she didn’t say much when I interacted with her this afternoon, she seemed calm and sounded coherent. James informed me that what I saw as calmness and coherence is temporary. He stated that she is still “mentally challenged”. I reminded him to take her to the Psychiatric hospital, now that she is with him. He has promised to do so. Reactions from Facebook users”

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Reactions from Facebook users

Magdalen Anthony said:

“Thank God for everything, I wish her a speedy recovery. God bless you sir.”

US Irana said:

Man working at night sees his girlfriend praying for him around 1:30am before going to sleep

“Thanks for your good works sir. But she is not mentally challenge, though she might want to fake it; she just understand her husband now has money. Lol.”

Lady is heartbroken as her man leaves her

A Nigerian lady was left devastated after a man she believed would be her partner ended their relationship.

In a heart-wrenching video, the lady revealed that the man had initially left his wife for her, leading her to assume a long-term commitment was possible.

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However, he ultimately returned to his wife, leaving the lady shattered and in tears….READ FULL ARTICLE

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Sex & Relationship

My Relationship Ended Because My Fiancé’s Pastors Said I Wasn’t The One For Him – Nigeran Lady Shares Her Journey To Healing

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Ada who shared her story on Wednesday, July 17, 2024, said the ‘prophecy’ came after one of the pastors allegedly invited her to Nekede and she declined….READ FULL ARTICLE

A Nigerian lady, Ada Seraphina Okoro, has spoken about how her relationship ended after her fiancé’s pastors said she wasn’t the one for him.

In a lengthy Facebook post, she stated that she has embraced healing and forgiveness as she has decided to move on with her life.

Ada who shared her story on Wednesday, July 17, 2024, said the ‘prophecy’ came after one of the pastors allegedly invited her to Nekede and she declined.

“Sharing my story without any grudge whatsoever and I do not want anyone to use the care button or pity me… I have healed and I have moved on,” she wrote.

”It will be in your best interest to learn from it and to not ask me personal questions aside what I’d drop here. No one fo.rced me to share this, I’m sharing this because I want to and for someone out there to learn too.

My last serious relationship ended because my fiancé pastors gave the order that I wasn’t the one for him… He met these pastors when he had financial issues and we resulted to prayers.

Mind you, this message came after the pastor visited Nekede and I was in IMSU then, asked me to come see him in Nekede and I declined.

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That was when he did everything possible to end my relationship and he did. I never told my fiancé then about this until years later when he came to ask for forgiveness.

When this relationship ended, two things filled my heart, regret and fear. Regret for telling other men away. There’s one of my suitors then here, he’s my follower, this guy chased me for years even when he knew I was in a serious relationship but I declined because I was being loyal, like I said, it’s my curse, I can’t date more than one person

Today he’s married and if the tables were turned and if given the opportunity, he still love to get married to me… But what’s not meant to be is not meant to be, you can’t fo.rce it.

This breakfast really messed me with me and it was my late grandma and my ex fiancé neighbor that helped me through it in the major part of it all.. the neighbor, a married guy calls me everyday from Turkey just to know how I was and to always remind me that I was too good for him…

Truly, I am. Have you met me? I’m fvcking intelligent, ambitious and… Nah just Nigeria dey dull my shine.

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The reason for his kindness was cus I was nice to him, whenever I was around and he’s hungry, he comes to the house then to ask me for food, he loves eating my food… Anytime I was at my fiancé place, his neighbors were always delighted cus they know that they will eat to their fill…

Before my ex fiancé left the country, he came to my store, announced to visit me and asked for forgiveness, I did forgive him.

It will shock you that he’s also a follower here.

Went for prayer after then and the first thing the pastor told me was… Let it go!.

I was confused I didn’t understand so I asked her, let what go? She said, all that h.ate, ange.r and regret, let it go… She said there’s someone that you are so angry with it, forgive him and be free…

Lord knows the only person I was angry at was my ex fiancé, omo I bursted into tears, nah so pastor console me, did therapy for me and we prayed…

Since that day till now, I see my experience in a different way. I have forgiven, let go, moved on…

It was not meant to be cus I also held our marriage from happening because I was waiting for something that he needed to be fix…

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I told him that he must fix it if not, no marriage untill we fix it… Then the breakup happened.

I’m a kind woman, if you experience me, you’d understand but I’m not nice cus I’m also capable of fvcking you up if you mess up.

That said… If you are a woman that have something similar to my experience, I’d urge you to let go! It’s not easy but let go and be free like a bird like me…

If you are also in any relationship, make sure that the choices that you are making will favour you on the long run so you don’t regret.

As for me, I’d love to get Married, that is if I meet my kind of man, aside that, I’m not marrying

If marriage doesn’t come, I just want to have money and food an access to good life until my creator calls… I have kuku experience marriage without the papers so…

That said, henceforth, when I talk about my relationship in other to buttress my point, resist the urge to ask me sil.ly questions because most of you know nothing about these things…

It’s only to ask yeye logic questions, that’s all you know how to do…

Anyways.

I’m Ada, a strong, kind, beautiful woman.”…READ FULL ARTICLE

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Sex & Relationship

SIKI: First round with a condom and second round without protection gets 215,000 Zimbabweans sick, mainly women!

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A silent epidemic is quietly spreading across Zimbabwe, with sexually transmitted infections (STIs) on the rise, and many cases going undetected due to a lack of symptoms. The Ministry of Health has issued a stark warning, highlighting the alarming trend and the potential for widespread transmission…..READ FULL ARTICLE

“The number of officially recorded cases for STIs in Zimbabwe is just a tip of the iceberg,” said Anna Machiya, National Coordinator, STI Prevention and Condom Distribution in the Ministry of Health and Child Care. “More numbers are recorded in females as opposed to males. However, what is going unrecorded is what we don’t know, and these are the asymptomatic STIs and they constitute the majority of STIs in Zimbabwe.”

The Ministry’s concerns are rooted in a disturbing upward trend in STI cases since 2018. While official figures offer a glimpse into the extent of the problem, the true scale of the crisis is likely far greater, with the silent spread of asymptomatic STIs posing a significant public health threat.

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“The reasons behind the increase in STI trends include inconsistent condom use and a number of other reasons,” Machiya explained. “Stock out of STI medicines, consumption of drugs and alcohol then hinder people’s judgment and decisions, the issue of user fees, the symptomatic nature of STIs where infected individuals continue to spread the STIs unknowingly.”

The most common STI recorded in Zimbabwe is vaginal discharge, with an estimated 95,000 cases reported last year. Urethral discharge, primarily caused by Gonorrhoea, accounts for another 80,000 cases, while genital ulcers have also seen a worrying increase, with 40,000 cases reported in 2023 alone. This brings the total number of STI cases reported last year to about 215,000 and the majority of cases are being recorded in women.

“There was a dip in 2021 but now there is an increase,” Machiya said, highlighting the concerning trend in vaginal discharge cases. “For men, who present with urethral discharge, the majority of them, over 70 percent, will be having Gonorrhoea.”

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The Ministry’s approach to STI treatment is based on a syndromic approach, relying on identifying symptoms rather than conducting specific tests.

“We have very few point of care tests and to be able to know the specific type of that particular STI,” Machiya said. “The main aims of STIs prevention and control are to prevent the development of diseases, complications and sequelae that follows when STIs are not treated. We also want to interrupt the transmission of STIs using treatment.”

The Ministry is actively working to raise awareness about STIs, emphasising that they are avoidable, treatable, and curable. Early treatment is crucial to prevent complications and further transmission.

“We also inform the public regarding information about the asymptomatic nature of infection in some cases and describe recognisable signs and symptoms as well as promote PEP and Presumptive STI treatment,” Machiya said.

The Ministry’s efforts are commendable, but the challenge is significant. The silent nature of asymptomatic STIs makes it difficult to identify and treat infected individuals, allowing the disease to spread unchecked.

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The Ministry’s call for increased awareness is critical. It is essential for individuals to be informed about the risks of STIs, the importance of safe sex practices, and the need to seek medical attention promptly if they experience any symptoms.

This is not simply a health issue; it is a social issue. Stigma and misinformation surrounding STIs often prevent individuals from seeking help, contributing to the spread of the disease. Open dialogue, education, and access to affordable healthcare are vital to combatting this silent epidemic.

The Ministry’s efforts are a step in the right direction, but more needs to be done. A comprehensive strategy that addresses the root causes of the problem, including poverty, lack of access to healthcare, and social stigma, is essential to protect the health and well-being of Zimbabweans….READ FULL ARTICLE

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